


Champagne

by nautical_2



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other, Self-Harm, i guess, im a mess, tsukki has problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 11:08:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8053999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nautical_2/pseuds/nautical_2
Summary: “Vanessa: And it’s gonna be okayUsnavi: I’m sorry, it’s been a long day”- “Champagne” from In the Heights by Lin-Manuel Miranda





	Champagne

**Author's Note:**

> (Alternatively titled: my attempt at getting over the breakup with my best friend)  
> (Alternatively titled: D&D (doom and destruction))  
> (Alternatively titled: FWYWTD)

It’s been a long time since he’s felt this way. The darkness seems closer than it ever was before, creeping into his mind and through his fingers and up his spine. It almost seems alive, slinking through the bottoms of his feet and the sides of his ribs. In more ways than one, the way he can feel the jacket around his neck getting tighter and tighter is unnerving. His clothes don’t fit right anymore- not because he’s grown, but simply because they don’t feel like his. 

Nothing belongs to him anymore. His words feel forced and strange, and his motions are as though someone is controlling him like a puppet. 

Too long, too short; somehow, the way he feels turns simply into the constant thought of “not good enough.”

He’s not, really. And he never will be. 

Kei’s not good, not the way the others on the team are. He sees them out of the corner of his eye sometimes, all doing their own thing. They have balance, they have peace. They are happy, where he struggles to do ordinary daily motions on his own and blames his inaccuracies on _allergies_. 

“Are you alright?” They ask him, eyes concerned and faces pinched. He wants to tell them the truth, that he’s falling apart and exploding into thousands of pieces at the same time. But he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t like to think about it. The words in his mind mix and muddle, and soon, all he can think of is the darkness that is coming for him. It’s been there, in the back of his mind, for as long as he can remember- and after spending his whole life running from it, Kei wonders if it’s time to give up. (Tadashi would kill him, though, so he doesn’t). 

He wishes he had them with him. His Tokyo boys (his world) would know what to do. They would comfort him, wrap him in hugs he says he doesn’t need and feed him food he says he doesn’t want. (He doesn’t want it, really, unless it’s from them).

They would make him feel safe. 

He knows they have their own struggles too. Sometimes, Bokuto would slip into uncontrollable mood swings no one can get him out of. He would drag himself deeper and deeper until Akaashi did something about it. Sometimes, instead, Akaashi would retreat inside himself, unable to be retrieved for days. This time, it’s Kuroo who gives him the space he needs and yet somehow manages to take care of him all the same. Sometimes, Kuroo avoids all confrontation whatsoever and associate himself with people who don’t know what’s happening. It’s Bokuto who brings him back, though, reaching out and forcing Kuroo back into his own head. 

But they never get like him. They never lash out with sharp tongues, they never hurt others for the sake of feeling better, they don’t seek comfort in destruction. Their flaws are still beautiful, and although painful, they are also fixable. After all, they aren’t low and pathetic like he is. 

He’s jealous, jealous, utterly jealous. He wants to be like them, to be able to do the things they can do and to be able to be who they can be. Kei knows he’s not good enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, not like he was before. (Before all of this happened). 

He knows they won’t last. He knows that sooner or later, the glue holding them together will give up and flake away. The friendship will win over the relationship, and he will be alone again. They’re too destructive, following the wrong path and never turning to the right one. 

It doesn’t matter whether or not he’s desperately in love or not, because sooner or later they will get tired of him. After all, they don’t love him as much as he loves them. This, unsurprisingly, is glaringly obvious. 

He can feel it all the way down in his bones. 

Kei can’t talk to anyone about it either. His friends here (in the tiny world they made in this tiny city) have become distant. Sometimes, he looks across the courts and hardly recognizes the person he grew up with and the people he’s spent three years talking to. He looks in the mirror and sees someone (completely wrong) that he doesn’t know anymore and wonders if picking up the razor blade again is a good idea. 

He never does, though. He may not be brave, he may not be kind, but he is not stupid and he will not subject himself to the faces of pity he knows he will get when they find out. Kei still remembers Tadashi’s face when he first realized the truth behind Kei’s hiding and how utterly disappointed he was. It was the first time Kei felt anything besides apathy, and it was not a good feeling. He vowed never to do something like that again, even if it was just for Tadashi’s sake. 

The darkness is so very close to his heart, and he can’t remember the last time he talked to his Tokyo boys. Their contacts in his phone says it was three days ago, but it feels like years. (It feels like an eternity). 

Is it a relationship if they are not constantly in contact? He knows they keep in touch with each other, but what does it mean when they never contact him? Maybe it’s the distance getting to him, the thought that they are so close and he’s so very far. (After all, they are his Tokyo boys and he is their Miyagi boy). 

Akiteru calls it communication issues, and blames it on the fact that they are young and busy. But Kei knows better. 

After all, they don’t love him like he loves them. 

Kei wonders if all of this is worth the pain that is sure to arrive at the end. He doesn’t anticipate the end, and he refuses to end it before they do. He knows they’re long past their time, though, and that what needs to happen should have happened months ago. 

It should have never happened to begin with, but there’s no changing the past. (Or so they’ve said).

He doesn’t throw his phone across the room, and nor does he scream and cry like he wants to. Instead, he locks himself in the bathroom (his family wouldn’t care anyways, not the way he needs them to) and sobs quietly, afraid someone will hear.

\- - -  
_Could this be out of line? To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this_  
\- - -

He can’t do this. He refuses to do this, not now, not ever. 

It’s been a week. An entire seven days of no contact with the people who claim to love him and he breaks down in the middle of practice, hiding in the changing room long after everyone else has left. 

Kei can’t breathe, his lungs are too small for his tall body and he wishes he was smaller if only to hide a little better. The shelves seem closer than they should be, and it feels like all the doors are closed shut, locking him into his mind. The room is too small and lacks air, and he can’t breathe at all in the cramped space. 

No one finds him there. He comes back to himself after three minutes (it seems like years) and leaves practice, forgetting to change back into his uniform. When his team asks where he is, he hangs up on them and retreats to the strange and silent comfort of his room. They wouldn’t understand the darkness. Besides- he has to protect them. 

They’ve done this before, though, over and over again. It’s a constant battle of time and space- too much of both surrounding the people in the relationship. Small spats have turned into humongous fights, and tiny mistakes have turned into larger retorts and challenging words. 

It always ends the same way though. Apologies, promises to try harder next time, and the constant though niggling in the back of Kei’s head that they’ve tried so many times surely- surely they should have gotten it right. 

They’re not perfect. They have struggles and mistakes and all too many fights but the good times are good and the bad times may be bad but he never finds himself _hating_ them for the words they say so perhaps it is okay. 

\- - -  
_They had breakfast together but two eggs don’t last like the feeling of what he needs_  
\- - -

It’s a lot harder to hide when his brother comes back from his own life to visit. By this time, it’s been nearly a month with no contact. Kei counts them officially broken up, and wonders why it hurts so much when he knew it was coming. Plus, he finds it hard to believe that “communication issues” would result in something like this. 

He isn’t left alone, now, not with another person in the too-small house. (Everything seems too small for him now, like he’s always just a little stifled). He’s constantly badgered into playing games and socialising, as though his brother had forgotten how antisocial his baby brother was. 

He doesn’t miss his team, not really. He never bothered to go back after that last practice- everyone else was much better than him anyways. He was simply a spare, a good for nothing player who had already reached his peak. They thought he might have had potential, back when he first started high school, but now they know that all he’s good for is “maybe.” (His blocks are mediocre at best, and he falls farther and farther behind in his school work every day).

His old team doesn’t bother to try to find him, either. He hides in the halls and the abandoned rooms, just in case, but they never come looking. It’s as though he didn’t ever exist on the team, as though he simply never was. 

Tadashi does manage to find him one day, though. He’s camped out in the library, trying to drown himself in something else so that he won’t think about what he’s missing. (The people he’s missing). He reads and studies and does his best to look at universities far far away because no one would dare follow him there. 

Tadashi doesn’t ask questions, but he doesn’t ask him to come back. He sits there in quiet, and, when the library closes, goes back to his own house. 

Kei doesn’t think they’ll ever speak to each other again. He cannot imagine ever associating himself with them again. He can’t see why Tadashi would ever consider talking to him one more time. 

He tells himself he doesn’t need him to. 

He tells himself he doesn’t want him to.

\- - -  
_I hope you find out what you want, I already know what I am_  
\- - -

When the breakup becomes official, Kei thinks that (perhaps) one day they could try again. 

Then he remembers how badly it went the first time around, and how hard it was to love so many people so wholeheartedly. 

Maybe someday he’ll move on from all of this and find a better love. Maybe the love they have isn’t good, but someday it will be. Maybe all if this will come to pass and they will realize how much they absolutely need each other. 

But it was unrealistic for four such different people to ever work a relationship out. It was idiotic dreaming, a fool’s imagination that led them to this point. He knows better than the rest of them who the true fool was. 

Perhaps, he thinks instead, he isn’t made for love at all. 

This makes more sense than it should, and Kei basks in the comfort of facts and knowledge. 

\- - -  
_Falling in and out of love, ashamed and proud of, together all the while_  
\- - -

It’s unfair how much they control Kei’s emotions. When they’re good, so is he. When they’re bad- when it’s nothing but fights and no communication, he’s bad too. He wants to be in charge, to decide for himself when to be happy, but it always seems to come down to what they are and how they act. (If it was his choice, he would be happy all the time. But it’s not). 

And when he’s bad is when the darkness has its biggest change to take over. 

And it does. And now he’s crumpled on the ground, hurting in so many different ways. His emotions have gone wild, his heart goes from slow to fast to slow again, and he doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to sleep ever again. 

They stretch him out like putty, smashing him back together and forming little shapes with him for the fun of it. It’s less of a blender and more of a bread maker- constantly pressed and squashed until there’s nothing left but smooth nothingness and a numb feeling in his hands. 

He doesn’t know what to do. Kei wants to scream. But he doesn’t. (He can’t bring himself to make noise- if he speaks it will become real). 

_It hurts._

\- - -  
_Burst into flames, scream in the dark, I’m gonna light up this place and die in beautiful stars_  
\- - -

The breakup was harder than he thought it would be. 

It was Akaashi who ended it, texting the group one final goodbye. It stung Kei more than he thought it would, and he thought back to the days where Akaashi hardly said anything at all. He’s much rather prefer those days of silence than these days of _I can’t do this anymore._

What hurt more was how Kuroo and Bokuto responded. The fight that followed was spectacular in the worst way. Kei found himself accused of being the bad guy a total of five times before he turned his phone off. 

But what was said haunted him. It was a mixture of _you dont try hard enough_ and _youre tearing this relationship apart_ that made him punch his pillow until it was flat and tearing slightly at the seams. But they weren’t wrong. Not really, not since they don’t love him like he loves them. 

When he found the money to buy a new number, he refused to read the six hundred unread messages stored up on the device. 

Instead, he cried himself to sleep.

\- - -  
_These crooked legs, these twisted arms, these tired feet lost their worth- soon they’ll dismantle them_  
\- - - 

Sometimes, he thinks he was trying so hard to be good enough for them that he forgot he was someone too. 

He never forgot that they all had futures. Kuroo is a genius, both in chemistry and talking to people and every other subject available to man. Bokuto is the epitome of talent, destined for great things (especially in volleyball). Akaashi is prettier than the three of them combined, and Kei knows that there was no way the world would ever forget him or his clever tongue. 

Compared to them, a (too) thin boy with an angry tongue and somewhat clever brain meant nothing. Compared to them, he was nothing. 

They don’t love him like he loves them because there is nothing for them to love within him. 

This fact doesn’t hurt him as much as it should have. He knows that his Tokyo boys viewed him highly, but this had always confused him. Instead, he thinks about how Akaashi was the one who ended it, and how that means the strongest out of all of them gave up first. 

After all, if Kuroo was their commander, then Bokuto was their glue and Akaashi was their strength. 

He’s afraid to ask, though. Afraid to exist in the lives of his Tokyo boys anymore. He never truly really felt like one of them, and the breakup only helped to prove this point. 

When Kei starts spending more time in his room studying, his mother doesn’t say anything. When the old volleyball net in the backyard starts looking unused, his father doesn’t say anything. When Kei stops talking about his Kuroo and his Bokuto and his Akaashi, his brother doesn’t say anything. 

When Kei has another panic attack in his room, he doesn’t say anything. 

There’s nothing for him to say, really, especially if no one gives a damn. 

\- - -  
_And I should have crashed the car the night I drove alone, escape from all I know_  
\- - -

Sometimes, Kei considers finding what he used to see in them again. But he reads Akaashi’s tumblr posts, follows Kuroo’s achievements on twitter, and never fails to catch sight of Bokuto doing something undeniably stupid on his facebook feed, and it remembers why it was such a bad idea to find them in the first place. 

It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s just that they don’t work anymore. Not as a unit, and perhaps not even as friends. There’s just some things you can’t fix, some things you can’t get over. They’re so flawed in so many different ways, all of that pain mixed together could only result in an eternity of solitude. 

Sometimes he wonders what life would be like if they never happened in the first place. 

He only wishes that his Tokyo boys could be okay. 

\- - -  
_Lying on the grass now, dancing for the stars- maybe one will look on down and tell us who we are_  
\- - -

They met for the first time when he was in his first year of highschool. He had gotten less and less motivated as the years went on (much to Tadashi’s disappointment) but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. It wasn’t until he met the other three did he get his confidence back. 

They made him better in every way possible. Kuroo taught him to take things one day at a time, Akaashi taught him that superficial things really didn’t matter, and Bokuto taught him that holding things close and loving things is okay. Loving people is okay. 

He likes to pretend that he made them better to. He looks at Akaashi and tells himself that he made the other boy more bold and Bokuto more level-headed and Kuroo less harsh. 

But he also knows things have only gotten worse. Bokuto make him wish he was stronger and Kuroo made him wish he was smarter and Akaashi made him wish he was prettier. Kei monopolized Akaashi’s time, constantly berated Bokuto for simple things, and ridiculed Kuroo’s looks to the point of anger. He wasn’t good to them- for them- not like they were for him. 

They didn’t start dating until a year later. He knows his Tokyo boys already loved each other before they loved him, and he thought he could fit in somewhere. And somehow, to everyone’s surprise, they made it work. 

Not for long, though. But that doesn’t matter- nothing lasts forever anyways. 

Besides. They never loved him like he loved them. 

\- - -  
_I shot for the sky, I’m stuck on the ground, so why do I try- I know I’m gonna fall down_  
\- - -

Kei moves to America after that. He gets away from his parents and his brother, away from the memories that haunt him in that tiny little town. He mails his second button to Kuroo’s apartment after graduation and does not leave a note. 

The only person he says goodbye to is Tadashi. He finds him after graduation, surrounded by the rest of the team. On Tadashi’s arm is Hitoka, and he struggles to remember when they began dating. 

Tadashi sees him, though, and invites him over. Shouyou and Tobio regard him with suspicious looks, but he says nothing to them. Instead, he, bows slightly to Tadashi before refusing his invitation to join them for lunch and walks away. 

There’s only so much heartbreak he can put himself through, really. 

America is different, though. Kei finds himself surrounded by all the things he couldn’t do in Japan. It’s liberating, and he longs to spend his time exploring this magnificent new country little by little. 

But first, he goes to the university. He finds his room, meets his roommate, and sleeps. 

Perhaps, though, he could give up exploration if it meant he never had to wake up again.

\- - -  
_I know the world’s a broken bone. So melt your headaches, call it home_  
\- - -

But, of course, that is not how life works. Kei wakes up day after day, goes from class to his room to the dining hall, and learns about the subtle intricacies of work and gas station food. He lives on caffeine and cheap ramen, and hallucinates so badly he sees Kuroo waiting for him outside his economics class two months into the first semester. 

Or at least he thinks it’s a hallucination. But other students are pointing and whispering, and Kuroo’s wearing the same face he does when his cat (or his setter) does something cute, so Kei deems him a real person who is _actually in America._ It’s because he hasn’t seen that facial expression in years, (he would never make such an adorable expression for Kei) and when he thinks about it it’s not that strange for Kuroo to fly out to America, so therefore he must not be crazy and Kuroo must _actually be in America._

It’s a new experience. It’s eye opening. 

It fills his heart with something that hurts like fire, and Kei feels the impending darkness recede- just a little bit. 

\- - -  
_You’ve got everything going for you so I’ll go for you with everything I’ve got_  
\- - -

Having Kuroo around seems to help him more than hurt him. 

It shouldn’t be like this. He should be angry and yelling, running from place to place, hiding in the library like he always does. It shouldn’t calm him, getting coffee and chatting about nothing. 

But it does. 

Kuroo is in America for what he calls “business related purposes.” He’s an intern at a famous company, and this company gave him a week off school and a free trip across the world. He had found Kei through Akiteru, and Kei wonders who gave his brother the right to do something like that. 

But he doesn’t ask. They spend a day together, visiting all the dumb landmarks and strange pieces of modern art Kei has gotten used to being around. He explains the little things to Kuroo, like how the door to the science department never works properly and how when crossing the street, only one of the pedestrian lights makes a sound. 

They only talk about little things that don’t matter. Kei knows he could talk about more, about how he feels so dull all the time and how nothing really means anything anymore, but he sees Kuroo’s eyes and notices the light in them and refuses to say anything more. 

It’s comforting, though. That even after all of that, Kuroo can be okay again. 

\- - -  
_So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why. It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time_  
\- - -

When Kuroo leaves, Kei feels the darkness lift just a tiny little bit more, and then crash back down altogether. 

It’s nothing really. He feels elated that he got to see the older boy again, but then remembers that he reached his peak both academically and physically in his second year of high school and crumples back into the pit of snakes that ever so carefully awaits his fall. 

This time, it crushes him mentally instead of emotionally. He’s not passing his classes, not in the way he would like to, and wonders if this is how Tobio and Shouyou always felt back when he would do nothing but make fun of them. 

Only for him, this time, there’s nothing for him to reach for. 

He picks up the razor, just one more time. It is heavy in his palm, the weight of all the responsibilities and mistakes he has made. There is no redemption for the forgotten, after all. 

Afterwards, of course, he shoves it under his mattress and throws up into the toilet three times. His leg burns, but so does his heart. (He can’t tell if it’s melting or freezing, so he ignores it and pokes at the burn in his stomach instead). 

The panic attacks haven’t stopped either. They come in earnest now, catching him when he barely has time to prepare. His roommate thinks him insane, and Kei can’t help but agree. 

He sleeps too much now, wasting away hours and hours of sunlight, wrapped up tight like a burrito of self-loathing and fear. It’s either that, or crouching in the corner of the bathroom, hands to his ears and glasses on the floor. (He can never breathe properly, not when they don’t love him). 

It’s the never-ending cycle he had always feared. There is no end in sight, no “one more day” to live for like he always tells himself. 

The darkness all-encompassing, stretching far into the future and far enough into the past to where he cannot remember a life without it. It’s all over him, under his blankets and streaming in like sunlight from the open window. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t- 

\- - -  
_If I walk away then I’m leaving half alive_  
\- - -

He constantly tells himself that they never loved him as much as he loves them. 

He’s lonely and friendless here. Sometimes, he forgets (or doesn’t) to eat, and finds that no one really cares. He lives off coffee now, but every time he walks into Starbucks he feels the urge to throw up. It’s cosmic irony- the person addicted to coffee throws up every time he smells it. 

He’s in pain now, a constant throbbing that goes from his eyes to his heart to his wrists. Every time he moves, every time he speaks, again and again he feels the knives reaching for his heart and stabbing over and over. 

Kei wants to cry. He doesn’t, of course. He can’t remember the last time he shed a tear for anyone or anything. (It was when he was nine, and he found out Tadashi was still getting bullied. He punched the bully, and then cried for three hours straight. It felt like years, and Tadashi gave him a hug and a tissue for his troubles). 

Sometimes, he misses the comfort of friends. He had always taken Tadashi for granted, constantly counting on the other boy to be at his side at all times. In a way, Tadashi was indentured- he owed Kei because Kei saved him from bullies. But now that Kei gave him up- now that he gave everyone up, he can’t help but dream back to the days where people would be his and he would be theirs. 

(It’s a scary thought, belonging to someone. Sometimes he wonders if it makes him a terrible person). 

(He tells himself not to, but sometimes he misses his Tokyo boys the most). 

\- - -  
_My mind is blind to everything but you, and I wonder if you wonder about me too_  
\- - -

This time, like always, it’s Bokuto that saves him. Bokuto, whose name means light. Bokuto, who shines brighter than any other thing Kei has ever seen in his life. 

It’s an experience. It just takes him a while to figure out if it’s a good one or bad one. 

Contrary to what others might believe, Kei doesn’t want to be saved. The darkness is comforting and, although uncomfortable, it is familiar. He has known it for days and months and years. It’s become a part of him down to his very bones. (He tells himself this because light is scary, and he is so very frightened). 

This bright light is a danger to his imminent darkness. It’s old, yes, but unfamiliar all at once. It is the very thing he has spent all this time trying to run from- and all this time trying to run back to. 

He can’t decide which one he fears more- unfamiliarity or poison. Love, or darkness. 

Perhaps they’re not quite that different. 

Kei gets the text at night, when his roommate is asleep and he has spent the last hour and a half forcing himself awake by doing calculus homework. His phone buzzes lightly, but he practically jumps out of his skin. 

His phone hasn’t buzzed in months. 

It’s an unfamiliar number he knows by heart. Kei’s stubborn mind kept all three of those ten digit numbers locked up inside his head where he could not forget them if he tried. It’s his light, his Bokuto, and Kei only hesitates for a second before opening his phone. 

Not because he’s curious, of course. Simply because it would be rude to not reply. Especially after he’s already seen Kuroo in person. 

(He’s curious as hell). 

The message itself isn’t much. It’s a picture of a small white owl with tiny black dots at the top of its head, huge yellow eyes glowing brightly like it’s wondering what Kei is doing awake at three in the morning. Kei himself wonders that too. 

Below it is a small note, a phrase that could only have been typed by Bokuto. _cute right? reminds me of u._

This stumps Kei for a moment. There is no reason why Bokuto would send this picture to anyone (especially him)- no matter how cute it is. 

(There’s no reason why Bokuto would contact him at all, really. Kuroo found him, yes, but does Bokuto still talk to Kuroo? Does he still talk to any of them at all?)

His reply is as short and stilted as he can make it. Kei types an _I don’t quite think so_ one-handedly, the other hand continuing his notes on inverses and trigonometric functions. He doesn’t have time for this, not if he wants to get through this class and do all the other things he needs to do. Not if he wants forget about his Tokyo boys and finally move on from this crippling pit he pushed himself into. 

Still, Bokuto replies. _thats where u and i disagree then._ It is accompanied by at least four different owl emojis, and Kei can’t help but think back to when this was a common sight on the screen of his cell phone. 

There’s a lot of things he was used to seeing that are suddenly coming back into his life. It’s confusing and exhilarating all at once, and he wonders how he managed such a catastrophic life like this before. (He thinks it’s because his Tokyo boys saved him- again and again and again). 

He doesn’t reply, but he does keep Bokuto’s texts in his mind for the remainder of the morning. Kei refuses to consider whether or not he was flirting, and instead thinks about the fact that Bokuto reached out to him, and that perhaps someone still cared a little bit. 

\- - -  
_I swear, you may think you’re rich. You can have a million euros but you can’t buy this_  
\- - -

He passes all of his midterms with an A, and ends up with a 90% grade average in almost all of his classes. 

Perhaps Kei isn’t as bad as he first thought. 

Yes, his personality needs work. Even after all this time, he has yet to make a friend in any of his classes. Almost everyone in Economics avoids him because of Kuroo now, but he can hardly blame them for that. His roommate’s friends avoid him too, but he can’t blame them either. 

He wonders if he’s like those depression ads people see in the counselor's office, or the stories of people who sit with loners and makes a new friend. He wonders what it would be like if some kind soul sat with him in the cafeteria and tried to make conversation. He wonders how long it would take to scare that person away. 

But he doubts anyone would want to befriend him anyways. 

He is getting better, though. Kei can feel it. 

The darkness is still present, twisting around his lower back, but he ignores it the same way he ignores his physics homework. 

It can’t hurt him if he doesn’t acknowledge it anymore, so he sets about each day with the promise of just one more. 

\- - -  
_Now the night is coming to an end. The sun will rise, and we will try again_  
\- - -

His plan comes to a screeching halt when he sees Akaashi again. This time, instead of seeing him outside a class, he sees him inside his dorm room. With his roommate there. 

It’s a surreal experience. 

It’s also a brighter experience than anything he’s seen before. It’s as though Akaashi is bathed in nothing but bright golden light that refuses to fade. (It’s peace, and calm, but he feels the darkness rise up inside of him to fight it).

“Hello.” Kei says. His roommate jerks obviously at the sound of Japanese, and Kei can’t help but feel sorry for him. He hadn’t had a reason to speak in anything but English for a while, so he can imagine how shocking it might be to hear such unfamiliar syllables. 

To be fair, it shocked Kei too. He finds himself falling back into bad habits, the ones he had when he was still in a relationship, tapping his foot and looking around the room irritatedly. 

His roommate leaves in silence, clearly getting the hint. Kei can see Akaashi’s eyes get dark in disapproval, but Kei doesn’t really care. There’s only so far he can go for his Tokyo boys, and completely changing who he is on the inside isn’t one of them. 

No matter how much he wants to. 

(He’s terrible, so terrible, but it’s who he is. Surely he remembers that). 

Kei has been dreading this moment for a while. It was different with Kuroo and Bokuto. Where Kuroo was the person he always knew he’s end up loving, and Bokuto was the person who saved him over and over, Akaashi was the person most like Kei. He had a sharp tongue and showed very little empathy. Together they made a fearsome team, and apart they made the worst of enemies. 

If Kei were to choose one person to never have to deal with again, it would be Akaashi. 

And it’s not because he doesn’t love Akaashi (he does, so very much). It’s because they’re so very alike, and yet so very different. It was Akaashi who ended their relationship, but it was also Akaashi who convinced him to stay over and over again. It was Akaashi who he loved first but it was also Akaashi who he hated first. 

And now he’s here, in Kei’s dorm room, waiting for the conversation that could very well ruin everything once more. 

And in all honesty, for his Tokyo boys, this is one of the simplest truths in Kei’s life. He’d rather fight a thousand times than never truly know them, and he’d rather hate a thousand times than never truly love them. 

If only they’d love him back. 

\- - -  
_If I talk real slowly, if I try real hard, to make my point clear that you have my heart_  
\- - -

It’s quiet for a while. Kei has no idea what to say, and it’s clear Akaashi feels out of his element. He looks exhausted, like he hadn’t slept for a couple of weeks and hadn’t been eating enough. For a moment, Kei fears for his health- before he remembers that he’s not allowed to anymore. He’s not supposed to care, it’s none of his business. 

(They aren’t his anymore).

“Why are you here?” There’s no point in sugarcoating the words, not when it’s just the two of them in a setting like this. Before, whenever they got into arguments, he would make sure to choose every word carefully in fear of hurting someone’s feelings. But Akaashi is in his home, in his space, and Kei can use whatever words he chooses really. 

If they can hurt him like this, rip him apart over and over again, surely he can do the same. 

It’s Akaashi’s face that stops him. 

It’s the darkness that he sees, lying in wait underneath Akaashi’s eyelids. It’s faint, but it’s there, and Kei feels his heart drop from his chest to his knees. He was supposed to protect them from the darkness, but now it’s infected one of his Tokyo boys and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

“I’m here because you aren’t responding to my text messages.” Akaashi states, pushing his hair out of his eyes. It’s gotten longer, Kei notes, and he also notices the dark bags under Akaashi’s eyes and the thinness in his arms and feels sick. He did this to them. He did this to him. 

He’s a monster. 

“I got a new number.” Kei says instead, refusing to let these thoughts come to light. For surely- surely, if he acknowledges them, they will tear him apart piece by piece and feed him to the darkness lurking in the corners of the room. 

He has to protect them all. 

“But you didn’t respond.” Akaashi’s getting agitated now, fiddling with his fingers and shaking his head back and forth slightly. “There were things we wanted to say to you but you didn’t respond, you didn’t read them, we were trying so hard to fix things-” 

“There was nothing to fix.” It surprises Kei how dull his voice is, like he can’t muster the energy to feel anything. (He could, really, but why bother when it will all result in the same thing- pain?)

And really, if Akaashi was talking to Bokuto and Kuroo (he said we, Kei’s mind screams) then surely he would know about the new number. Surely he wouldn’t try again and again to contact a phone no one would pick up. 

“We were fixing us.” And his voice is so small, so fragile, that Kei’s frozen heart cracks a little bit. Sure, there is nothing to fix- not really. There’s the fight that happened over text, and the lack of communication, but it was all him, right? 

They never loved him. Kei repeats this over and over again, trying to stuff it in his brain and remember. They never loved him, not like he loved them. He builds up his walls, freezes the little of his melted heart Akaashi managed to touch, and looks up one more time to the older boy to say goodbye forever. 

But before he can, there is a phone shoved in his face. It is not is phone, for his phone would be broken and cracked and dull, just like the rest of his life. This one is a pale white, and has a owl sticker pasted to the back of it. Akaashi’s phone, definitely. 

And then he reads. And he reads. And he can hardly breathe, because they _do_ try to fix things. After the screaming match that happened between Kuroo and Bokuto (his heart burns reading it) he gets to the part where they apologize over and over again. He gets to the part where they beg him and Akaashi to come back with promises and evidence ( _evidence_ ) of getting better and trying harder. 

He gets to the part where he didn’t. 

It’s the three of them- his Tokyo boys, who wrote six hundred messages begging Kei to come back- and he didn’t. 

He makes a noise, and then Akaashi makes a noise, and Kei looks up from the device to see Akaashi looking at him with huge grey eyes. Kei doesn’t understand why, surely Akaashi has read this before, but he reaches forward to brush Kei’s cheek and oh-

It’s wet. 

He’s crying. 

He’s crying and he hasn’t cried in years, so he turns away from Akaashi but Akaashi reaches forward and pulls him into a hug that only someone who truly understands can give and- 

It’s much better like this. 

\- - -  
_Hold me close, don’t let go of anything that you want here today_  
\- - -

Akaashi asks him to come back to them. To try again. 

The idea of it haunts Kei. He could go back to them- go back to a relationship that was good and bad all at once. Go back to the people who know him best and the people who don’t know him at all. 

In all honesty, he shouldn’t even be considering it. Just because they said it would be better doesn’t mean that’s true. But he reads the rest of Akaashi’s texts while he sleeps and sees that Kuroo is communicating more and Bokuto is doing smarter things and they meld so well together. They’re trying harder and becoming better and learning to live apart and together at the same time. 

They’re balanced and good now, but they don’t love him as much as he loves them. 

But perhaps they might love him a little. 

He sees little holes in their conversation, though, tiny points where he would have made a comment and someone would laugh but someone else would also be insulted and he wonders if those spots were left for him. 

He wants to believe they were. After all, they aren’t dating. They are three boys in a perpetual state of love, waiting for one more person to fill that small little hole. (He refuses to hope that they are waiting for him).

But it would be hard going back. They have their own lives, they’re doing their own things- Kuroo’s in business and Bokuto’s going to be a professional volleyball player and Akaashi is an artist and Kei-

Kei doesn’t know. 

He doesn’t have a major, he’s only taking GE classes, he’s not like them. 

After all, Kuroo gave up chemistry to take up a major that would earn money so he could support a family. Bokuto stalked his friends and his family to find a phone number Kei kept hidden specifically from them. Akaashi paid money to fly halfway across the world just to see him. 

He can’t be like them. 

But they could be so good together. 

For his three Tokyo boys, they already are. 

And perhaps they miss him. 

He goes outside for a bit, leaving Akaashi’s phone to charge on his table. Kei offered him his bed, but he insisted on taking the floor and use a sleeping bag. 

The lobby of the building is quiet and cold. It’s not against the rules for him to be out, but most students are in their rooms studying and sleeping, so he tries not to make any noise. 

It’s hard, though. 

Kei ends up thinking so hard he gets another panic attack, but he calms down quickly. (There may be no one out, but it would still be embarrassing if someone found him in such a vulnerable position as that).

Akaashi is here. He wants him to come back. That must mean the other two want him to come back as well. (Maybe they do, after all, Kuroo visited him and Bokuto texted him and they both weren’t mad). 

Could he go back? Could they make it work again? 

Could he learn how to love them all over again? 

He’s not the best person, and he knows that. Kei is harsh and demanding, and has hurt people because of that. He’s more messed up than the rest of them. Kei is scared and angry, all at once. But for some reason, they want him back. 

They are, after all, his Tokyo boys, 

They could save him from the darkness push it out of him and give him something else to hope for. This relationship could be better than the last one, with more mature people and a happier love. He could find peace again, like he did when he was in highschool. Kei could be with people who learned how to love and cherish each other, and he could be happy. 

On the other hand, this could end badly and he knows it and fears it. This could end in heartbreak once more, with the four of them struggling to make anything work. They could have communication problems and jealousy problems and it it’s not easy with two people why do they think it would it be easier with four. He would get caught up in their emotions again, stuck being in a constant state of unpredictable and odd. 

A relationship would tear him apart. 

But they want him back. 

But he might hate them all again. 

Regardless of it all, however, he had known from the beginning what his decision would be.

\- - -

_You guys found me at a point in my life where I was just finding out who I was. I was confused and scared, and Kuroo was so very smart and Bokuto so very brave and Akaashi so very sharp._

_You brought me up, made me better and worse, and I don’t know whether I should be thankful or not._

_These past few years have changed me. In all honesty, the relationship we had was not good. It was destructive and selfish, each person not knowing what they want and craving everything for themselves. It controlled us, forcing us to become people we didn’t know or recognize._

_Or maybe that was just me._

_But, ignoring that, it is easy to say that this relationship was also very good. We were good to each other in a way no one else would understand. And I want to thank you guys for those few years that altered my perspective on the world in both good and bad ways._

_And now you guys have found me again. It is strange, reliving the same situation another time. It’s almost as though Kuroo-san has just started believing in me again, Bokuto-san has just started encouraging me again, and Akaashi-san has just started pushing me forward again._

_But it might turn sour, and we all know that. You guys know who you are, though, and perhaps you can prevent the worst from happening again. After all, there is very little my Tokyo boys cannot do if they try hard enough. You’ve done so much in so little time, it is easy to believe that a relationship with you all would be different than the one before it. It is easy to believe that trying again would be good._

_But I cannot._

_Which is why I am writing this._

_I am sending Akaashi-san back with this letter to tell you that I will not be returning to Japan any time soon._

_I have yet to find myself here in America, and I want to know what it is like to be separate from your lovers. I want to know what loneliness is, and I want to know what it is to find happiness on your own. I was tied to the emotions of the group, and I want to develop for myself a personality and a way of making decisions._

_I am no longer my own person, and I would like to fix that, just like you have all found someone to become outside the parameters of this relationship._

_But after spending the past year in constant darkness, it is light to know that I am loved. It is strength. I can do this, and there is no need to worry._

_Thank you, all three of you._

_But I am not coming home just yet. I will live here, searching for what it truly means to rise above your set limit._

_You have my phone number, and it would be easy for you to contact me. But I ask that you don’t, simply because it is painful to want the unattainable, and life is so much sweeter without the pain of longing._

_But when it is time for me to go, I will return home._

_If you’ll have me once more._

_With Love,  
Tsukishima Kei. _

\- - -

(He is coming back, though. Right?)

(Of course he is. Isn’t that what it says, Akaashi?)

(Yes.)

\- - -

The airport is crowded and Kei hates it. Tokyo isn’t supposed to be this bad, it’s supposed to be home. 

He misses them. 

That, of course, is ridiculous. He is, after all, the one who told them not to contact him during his stay in America. One of his better decisions, Kei thinks. 

He’s walking off the plane into the Tokyo airport with a math degree and a cell phone full of numbers from the friends he made at university. Kei met boys in America, cute boys who couldn’t hold a candle to his Tokyo boys. He met girls too, smart girls who made him miss Tadashi more than anything. 

But he found himself too. Somewhere in between the darkness and the neverending light, he found a tall and thin boy, a slightly snarky man with too much love and became him. 

He quite likes who he has become, to be honest.

But the plane ride was too much for his long legs, his luggage is freezing cold, and Kei wants nothing more than to go home and see his family again. He wonders if his Tokyo boys are waiting for him- he told them his flight times, but he doesn’t know. After all, they don’t love him as much as he loves them. 

Which is why it’s so surprising when he reaches the lobby and there’s a huge crowd holding a large sign that says “Welcome home Tsukishima Kei!” in unnecessarily large letters. Akiteru and his parents are standing next to a proud Yamaguchi, and his Tokyo boys are on the other side of the poster, smiling proudly. He supposes he has Hitoka, who stands proudly behind the sign, and Shouyou and Tobio, who stand behind his parents, to thank for the rainbow glitter, but that’s not his main concern. 

His Tokyo boys are here, waiting for him, and if he runs into their arms sobbing, no one has to remember. In fact, it would be a lot better if no one ever brought it up again. 

(Kei wouldn’t mind, actually. He wants his Tokyo boys to remember that he loves them, and if it comes at the cost of his pride, then so be it). 

“We love you.” They whisper, over and over again into his ear. The words he spent his university life repeating start to fade away, and the only thing Kei knows is that they love him, perhaps as much as he loves them. He feels a small cold button underneath Kuroo’s shirt, and breathes in a shaky breath to cry a little harder. 

He runs to Tadashi next, because if there’s anyone who deserves the world it would be him. Hitoka moves away to make space, and he doesn’t want to separate them, but he had missed Tadashi so very much. 

And instead of “I love you”’s, he gets whispers of “I missed you.” and “They love you so much.” 

They love him. They love him, they love him, and he loves them. 

And the best part, in Kei’s opinion, is that it’s going to be okay. 

\- - -  
_And in the end, I’d do it all again. I think you’re my best friend. Don’t you know that the kids aren’t alright?_  
\- - -

**Author's Note:**

> Im sorry i h9 dialogue pls dont kill me. 
> 
> No but srsly i have new respect for every author out there who writes more than 10k like damn you deserve a gold medal or something that is hard as shit.
> 
> \+ a crap ton of songs that don’t belong to me, credit where it’s due. 
> 
> Find me on [tumble dryer](http://www.highlightjunhui.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [-](https://blifetoday.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/whiteowl-1.jpg)


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